(03/05) From Alex....
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer," and the party of the second part, also known as "Lightbulb," do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Lightbulb) shall be removed from the current position. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps: (1) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder, grasp the party of the second part (Lightbulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Lightbulb) in a counterclockwise direction, this point being nonnegotiable. (2) Upon reaching the point where the party of the second part (Lightbulb) become separated from the party of the third part (Receptacle) the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Lightbulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local, and federal statutes.
(01/06) From George Webster:
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Minnesota. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his John Deere tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the Country and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in rural Minnesota. We settle small disagreements like this with the "Minnesotan Three Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What is the "Minnesotan Three Kick Rule?" The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old coot. Now it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
(01/06) From Christina...
A Local Charity realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a Local Charity volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the Local Charity?" The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?" Embarrassed, the Local Charity rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that." "Secondly," says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children." The stricken Local Charity rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again. "Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children one of whom is disabled and another has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?" The humiliated Local Charity rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm sorry, I had no idea" And the lawyer says, "So... if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd ever give any to you?"
09/2005 (From an Anonymous Benefactor):
An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is it or the express degree you told me about?" "It's 50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?" "That's my business. Get me the course!" Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid. Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "Please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to get a law degree so badly before you died?" In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, "One less lawyer..."
Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on. The second lawyer looked at him and said, "You're crazy! You'll never be able to outrun that bear!" "I don't have to, " the first lawyer replied. "I only have to outrun you."
(08/03) From JJ:
Its so cold around here that the lawyers have their hands in their own pockets....
(06/03) From Rob Potter:
Q: What's black & tan and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A doberman.
(06/03) We can't thank Al Robinson enough...
A Rabbi, a Hindu and a lawyer were driving late at night in the country when their car expired. They set out to find help, and came to a farmhouse. When they knocked at the door, the farmer explained that he had only two beds, and one of the three had to sleep in the barn with the animals. The three quickly agreed. The Rabbi said he would sleep in the barn and let the other two have the beds. Ten minutes after the Rabbi left, there was a knock on the bedroom door. The Rabbi entered exclaiming, "I can't sleep in the barn; there is a pig in there. It's against my religion to sleep in the same room with a pig!" The Hindu said HE would sleep in the barn, as he had no religious problem with pigs. However, about five minutes later, the Hindu burst through the bedroom door saying, "There's a COW in the barn! I can't sleep in the same room as a cow! It's against my religion!" The lawyer, anxious to get to sleep, said he'd go to the barn, as he had no problem sleeping with animals. In two minutes, the bedroom door burst open and the pig and the cow entered...
(06/03) From Al...
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: I suppose it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
(5/03) Our thanks to Paul Indorf for this one...
Did you hear that scientists are starting to use lawyers instead of white rats in their experiments!? It's because there are just as many of them, and you don't get attached to them!
(5/03) From Craig McWilliams:
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
(4/03) Thanks to Sylvia Friedrich for sending these in:
The Post Office just recalled their latest stamps. They had pictures of lawyers on them, and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
Q: How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
A: She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.
Q: How does an attorney sleep?
A: First he lies on one side, and then he lies on the other.
Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
A: Only three. The rest are true stories.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could save only one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
Q: What did the lawyer name his daughter?
A: Sue.
Q: What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
A: Skeet.
Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
A: Senator.
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
A: Your honor.
Q: What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
A: His partners.
Q: What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
A: Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
Q: What's another difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: Removable wing tips.
Q: Why does California have the most lawyers in the country while New Jersey has the most toxic waste sites?
A: New Jersey got first choice.